How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
