The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk