woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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