I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.