You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
