We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
