I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
