He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
