My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
