You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Terrible idea I love it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
