please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
