piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
