She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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