I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
