That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
