My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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