I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
