I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
