If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
