I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
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Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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