Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
