Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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