I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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