you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
