My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
