remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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