between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize