I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
