barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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