My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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