I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
