I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
