My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
