You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
