I love black thongs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
