How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
