FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
