I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
