it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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