Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
