chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
