Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
and you fell through a lawn chair
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
