I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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