It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
