Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Small penises have feelings too.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Boobs speak an international language.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
