We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
