Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
True college students do jello shots in the library
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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