Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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