Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
