i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
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of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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