it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
