so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
