My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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