i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
