Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
worst night to have a conscience
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So here I am, sexting at work.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
