how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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