I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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